Co-dependence vs Self Denial
The above topic has been on my mind for some time now. Enduring the crisis of a marriage dead by betrayal and its subsequent resurrection, I learned that co-dependence is not healthy and my unique self is valuable to God and essential to the specific ministries He calls me to. I’m called to be who God made me to be, not to spin around another, making that person my life’s focus.
Now, a few years later, I am reading ‘Like Christ’ by Andrew Murray for the umpteenth time, and struggling to reconcile my hard-won individual person-hood with the notion of being others centered. I hope to work through these concepts in a series of articles. Prayer would be appreciated.
I’ve been thinking about this too..but also the issue of co-dependence and women and being a Christian. I think the Church is often scared to look at this issue, because there’s the whole ’submit to your husband’ thing, and there’s the whole cookie-baking, perfect Christian Mom thing. I think a lot of Christian women tend to hide behind this image because they don’t know what else to be, because it might make them look bad ie non-Christian. Thus there’s a whole undercurrrent of a movement toward the Gnostic gospels (the Gospel of Mary Magdalene, for example). I am personally fascinated by the school of thought that proposes that women were an integral part of the new Church way back when, but were essentially overlooked or downgraded by early Church leaders. Am I a heretic for daring to believe this concept? I dunno, but right how I need some strength in my faith and as a woman and I take comfort in learning about strong women.
I’ll shut up now. Gotta do the Mom thing and get supper on the table.
Hey Carla,
First, let me point you my Rescuing Your Inner Princess article (don’t groan, just read it!) for some thoughts on finding yourself as a woman. But come back here and finish reading, too!
The Bible is full of strong women, you don’t need the gnostic gospels to find them! The old testament gives us Jael and Deborah and Miriam and Hannah and Rahab and Tamar and Ruth and so many. Not all of them were strong in a butchy-feminism way, but they all were active in affecting their own destiny, some in changing the destiny of nations. Some were scandalous in their behaviour, but were counted righteous for it.
In the New Testament, if we take away whatever cultural predisposition we were raised with, we can see how Jesus treated women with great respect, which was counter-culture for his time. Women were with him, they supported his ministry, they stood at the foot of the cross when all but one disciple was nowhere to be found. And a women was the first to see him out of the grave, she was the first evangelist.
The prophetic 5 daughters of (I think it was) Philip, Damaris the career woman who got the church in her city started, Priscilla who is often mentioned ahead of her husband Aquila in their ministry…we don’t get a lot of meat on these stories, but there they are.
Any theologically responsible church today is going to be sure that they state the whole passage referring to the dreaded ’submission’ topic.
In Ephesians 5, we get more detail on what is expected from both parties. The part in brackets is about what Christ did for the Church and husbands are not expected to accomplish these things for their wives:
It starts off a pretty hard line, but I think the husbands get the harder part. They are given an enormous responsibility, told to live lovingly with us, nourishing and supporting us,and commanded to even die for us if necessary.
If a man loves and cherishes you in this way, he is not going to be abusive or treat as a sub-human. He is going to listen to your point of view and consider your perspective and treat you very well indeed! In this kind of relationship, submission is less scary.
But submission does mean the bottom line falls on him. If there’s a disagreement, there can be ongoing discussion, but at the end of the day his decision carries.
That can really suck. But remember this: When you KNOW he hasn’t got it right and you KNOW there’s going to be a disaster, it’s not really him that we submit to, but we’re submitting to God who has required us to submit to our husbands. The darkest bottom of submission fear boils down to trust, or rather lack of trust, in God.
I know how hard it can be. It’s a tremendous exercise of faith to submit to another fallible human. But look higher, and while you submit to your husband, place your trust in God. In this life we’re going to walk through many fires whether we trust or not. Choosing to trust doesn’t take away the pain, but it can turn the hard places into magnificent experiences of spiritual growth.
love you
Thanks for that, B. I think we’re pretty much on the same wavelength but of course you express it much more eloquently than I can. My point about the interest in gnostic gospels is that a lot of people are searching for a theology they can live with but Religion/the Church has kind of distorted that. I agree with you about the example of strong women in the Bible, but their examples aren’t shouted out enough nearly enough! I think Christian women are sometimes afraid of expressing themselves lest they got thought of as raging feminists. I admit, I don’t know my theology as well as you. But I am a seeker and that’s gotta count for something. I’m going to read your latest blog post now!
Seeking is good.
What we must all do is go back to the Bible and challenge religious leaders on their own terms. There’s usually lots of areas in which they are missing the clear teaching of the Bible — such as the wonderfully equal role of women in the New Covenant.
Carla, I think you’d be surprised how many fabulous Christian women are out there now, redeeming for Christ things thought scandalous, making an impact in the world while not being of the world. Where have you been going to church, girl? Oh, right. England. Well here, the last ten or more years has seen a lot of shackles removed from women in ministry and in what’s acceptable in a Christian Mom. You can be strong and feminine at the same time.
Just checking in on ya!